Free Sunset Webinar: Having An Unassisted Loss

April 25, 2020

If you want to read, you can read Elian's whole birth story here:

How I felt afterwards, raw and unedited, written just hours after the birth:

"I still have residual blood and amniotic fluid under my nail beds, i washed my hands several times and showered, but it's still not gone, and I kind of dread the next time I shower again, because I don't want another thing to go away.

I woke up this morning and unlike other mornings, I didn't need to eat right away. I didn't feel nauseous. I actually didn't eat until about 11am (Joshua took me out for breakfast today which we never do) and I've been up since 8am. I'd normally be over the sink, dry heaving bile and mucus if I had done that a couple days ago. That broke my heart.

My belly is almost already back to normal. My uterus works well, so that's a good sign, but it hurts that I can't feel a fundus anymore, and I no longer have a tiny bump.

I took the dirty towels, bath mat, and cloths out of the dryer today. Yesterday those same towels held my baby and my placenta and all the fluid that I carried in my womb with him. I was so angry to see those clean towels.

I regret not having an ink pad or using blood to make foot prints and hand prints of Elians little toes and fingers to get them tattooed. I will get something else instead, but now I'm going to forever carry an ink pad in my doula bag, just in case.

I don't regret anything about the birth. It was so peaceful and strangely healing, my first birth outside of the hospital. The only thing I would have changed is that I would have recorded it. It happened so quickly and I wish I could watch it from an outside perspective again. The video I got of me birthing the second half of the placenta helps, because it felt exactly the same. I smelled baby Elian when he was born, he just smelled like amniotic fluid, like the faintness morning dew smell, not a newborn, I've determined that's because he didn't have a chance to develop vernix."

It's okay to feel all kinds of sporadic feelings surrounding the birth, death, and loss of your pregnancy and baby. We all grieve differently. If you feel suicidal or something completely not-you, and you know something is wrong, please 911 or a mental health professional immediately.

If you need help processing your birth, please reach out to us at, or reach out to one of our professionals on the directory that are trained to help you!